February 06, 2014

I don't have dreams

I have a car but it is not my dream car, I have a house and it is not my dream house either. I don’t have a job now but my last job wasn’t my dream job too ... errrr, so what am I trying to say?

What I am saying is ... I don’t have dreams.

Many believe that people must have dreams ... to be millionaires or billionaires, to own a private jet, become famous stars or singers. Of course not all people dream of riches and extravagances ... some may just have simple dreams but surely one must have dreams ... right?

Well, I am not disagreeing with that. But for me now, I don’t have dreams ... really, doubtfully as it may sound but I am done with dreaming.

You see, I think I can make do with what I have for the rest of my life ... I may not have a lot but I am not dreaming for more. Should I needed more, it probably will be some basic neccessities and common essentials ... so I wouldn’t consider those as dreams ... agree?

Then people ask me ... so, if not dreams, what do you live for? To them it seems like one cannot live without dreams. I beg to be differ ... I don’t want dreams, I want memories.

I am seeking memories ... like memories of things that I was fond of during my growing years ...  going into the jungle, swimming in rivers, catching birds, plucking fruits and making kites. I like these memories, so I am trying to do the same again and enjoy the same amusements that I remember so well.

I have tasty memories of the butter scones that my mother used to make, the fragranced aroma of the ‘nasi lemak’ (rice with coconut milk) steam-cooked in a wooden tub that the ‘pak cik’ (elderly Malay man) sells near my old primary school and not forgetting  the drooling sweetness of the ‘ais bola with gula melaka’ (ball of ice flakes soaked with liquid palm sugar) sold by the Indian ‘cendol’ (local Indian desert) seller who made it from ice flakes created by scrapping an ice block from a stool-like wooden device. Last but not least, I remember the distinct “ting ting” sound of the Chinese peddler chipping away small pieces of yellow pineapple sweet at the back of his bicycle. I am constantly looking for these treats and may or may not find them again but I remember their tastes so well, so much so that every time I think about these treats, strangely, I feel like I can taste them.

I will always remember how I met my wife on the last day of 1988 and her suspicious smile when I gave her my phone number ... the bliss and joys on the day we got married, the day we move into our very own house, the day my son was born and the day when I first saw the ultra-sound scan of my daughter. I like to remember all these special days ... these are the good memories that made me feel good every time I think about them.

Though it was not one of those good moments of my life but I cannot forget the day I was pushed into the operating room with a collapsed lung ... I was very scared and worried but I remember my wife was with me all the time during this unfortunate incident ... I remember how gratified I was (and still is) knowing that my wife was (and will always be) at my side, rain or shine.

Looking at the many photos of my kids I can recall the anxious moments of watching them crawl, then trying to stand, then fall and finally making the first step. I remember taking them to swimming lessons, teaching them how to ride bicycles, watching them dance in competitions and seeing them covered in mud while trekking. Looking and comparing old photos with recent ones, I remember how small they were and how much they have grown and changed ... these photos bring sweet memories, these photos bring tears of joy.

Almost every week, I will meet with my old school mates ... most of them are now my best of friends. We talked about the good old days, the places we went to, the spiders we caught, the tents we set up, the games we played and the truants that got us into trouble. We are still arguing like we used to many years ago ... in some instances, we are still like a bunch of school boys enjoying the carefree days. The good memories of our younger days bring lots of laughter and joy to all of us.

So, as you can see, my life now is mostly about memories, plenty of them ... I want memories and as I move on I want to gather more good and meaningful memories and remember them for as long as I may live.

So, I said earlier ... I don’t have dreams ... why? Because I don’t want to die with dreams ... I want to die with memories.


Anonymous said...

Well said. U r truly living a meaningful life :-)


Anonymous said...

Yes, you do have dreams. In your starting para, you stated your car, your house is not your dream car and house. So obviously you have in your mind what your dream car or house is. What you're trying to say in your essay is that you accept fate, count your blessing and live life to the best can within your means. That's what's most of us do ... if we have more - splush, if less ... make do. Cheers!

Stone Shiek said...

Hi ... first of all, thanks for spending time on my blog.

I can understand why you said that I obviously had in mind what my dream car and house is ... you got a point there if you take it word for word ... in your context, you are not wrong.

Maybe you read it as such that when I said my car is not my dream car, I must have a dream car ... well, NO, I don't have a dream car ... I don't know what my dream car looks like, what model and brand it is supposed to be. I got a car because I needed a car ... I bought it because it is a reliable car that suits my traveling needs ... simple as that.

If one read the article and take it in its entirety, one can understand what I am trying to express. Should I word it differently? I don't know. Really, maybe it is hard to believe ... whatever I have, most (if not all) are bought because of common needs and essentials ... not because of dreams.

And also, you mentioned that I accept fate ... here I must disagree. I DON'T believe in fate ... I don't think whatever happened in my life is fated. So, whatever it is, good, bad or ugly ... is the result of my very own decision NOT fate. To me fate are for people who don't make decisions ... maybe you will not agree with me, that is OK. I am sure you have your own beliefs.

Last but not least .. it is not about if one have more then one can 'splush' or when one have less one will make do. Look, lets be frank, one have to spend to live a decent life ... I don't like to live like a pauper but that doesn't mean I have to live with luxuries. Good and comfortable is the way I like to live ... and though I don't do it often, hey I 'splush' too. Maybe some people 'splush' thousands to fulfill their dreams but I rather 'splush' mine on looking for memories of things that I am fond of ... for example, I may spend several thousands to buy an old Lambretta, NOT because it is my dream motorbike ... it is because I used to ride in my father's old Lambretta ... it brings back a lot of good memories of my old man and my younger days. I hope you can see my point here.

I thank you for your comment and would appreciate it you could leave an identity if that is not too much to ask for.


Anonymous said...


You've flushed materialism & consumerism out of your system,

You're no longer feel envious or jealous of your fellow men who have more; in material perspective,

You find happiness in family & derived much pleasure from simple things in life,

Your life is now devoid of human wants & desire,

In short, spiritually your're 1/2 of a Buddha,

In your next life, you'll be reborn a Lama,


Stone Shiek said...

Hi ... I take your good comments with a big thank you for understanding my views on living a simple life.

I may steer away from materialism wants and desires but I must say though I live a simple life, I am not depriving myself and my family of comfort and common essentials such as a good roof over our heads, a proper education for the kids, adequate meals on the table, modest trips and travelings and last but not least adequate healthcare.

I am not a religious person so I will not see myself in similarity of any religious notables ... really, I am not worthy to be mentioned along such great people.

I am just like many of those who believe in deriving pleasures from simplicity.

Thanks again ... I would be glad to hear from you again ... would appreciate it if you can leave an identity :)