HE KNOWS F***ING EVERYTHING!

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Someone sent me a joke recently ... a very good one and it goes like this:

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Encyclopedia Britannica For Sale.

Brand New. 45 Volumes.

Going Very Cheap. No Longer Needed.

HUSBAND KNOWS F***ING EVERYTING!

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Have you come across people who think they know everything? I have ... as a matter of fact, quite a few of them. Among them, there is one particular person who is the king of "know it all". We nicknamed him Mr “Mut Tow Sik” (Know It All). You just simply cannot have a conversation with this person. Everything you said he knows, he experienced it before and he always has a story to tell. There is nothing in the world that he doesn't already know. Even the oddest thing in the world, he somehow has a link to it. You can talk about global warming, he will tell you he is involved in a worldwide community to help reduce global warming. When you ask him what is the name of the community, he cannot remember.

Mr Know It All also claims he knows a lot of “low sai” (big shot). You can hear him boasting that this “low sai” invites him for this or that “low sai” calls him for that. I once told him that when a “low sai” invites or calls him, that is nothing. If he can picks up his phone and calls the so called “low sai” at anytime, then I will say that he has got something. I asked him: “Eh … why every time it is the “low sai” that invites you? Why never heard of you inviting the “low sai”? I told him that he was just one of those “on the way, by the way” guys to fill up the extra spaces”.

These people boast so much that it is so easy to trap them at their own game. Mr Know It All got it from me once. It was during a small gathering and the topic was doctors and hospitals. We were talking about some personal experience and as usual our Mr Know It All seems to know every good doctor in Malaysia. If you have any health problem whether it is cancer, prostrate, kidney problems … anything, he has got someone to recommend.

I got so fed up with him so I decided to trap him. I made up a bogus doctor from India who works in Malaysia called Dr KEIHS (“SHIEK” spelled backwards) and said that this doctor is famous for treating kidney stones. I asked if he knew this doctor and I would like to get the doctor’s contact. As expected he walked straight into the net. Acting confidently he told me that he knew this doctor and as a matter of fact he met him a long time ago when he visited one of his friends who was treated by this same doctor in a hospital in KL. He said he will call his friend to find out where the doctor is now and let me know. I knew I got him … hook, line and sinker. I did not want to blow his cover and embarrass him for his wife sake. He still does not realise it until today.

You can never ask Mr Know It All to go along for food. Every time we go for some popular food, whether it is the SunwayMas “bak kut teh” or the roasted duck at Pudu or some other places, Mr Know It All will always have a better place. He wants to be on top of everything. Even when you say someone's fart stinks, he will say his fart is stinkier.

I am somehow stuck with Mr Know It All because his wife is a very good friend of my family and our children attend some classes together. As much as I want to avoid it, I do see him every now and then. During CNY we met again and as usual he was boasting and glorifying his past after a few beers (he was born rich but wasted all the money left by his parents). He has never had a permanent job in his life, totally depending on his wife’s income. I actually told him to go to the “pasar malam” (night market) and buy a pair of “tor hai” (slippers) and put them into the rice cooker to cook together with the rice so that he can eat “tor hai farn” (eat slipper rice … which means living off a woman’s income in Cantonese). He is so thick skin that he actually thought that was a good idea.

People like Mr Know It All are beyond salvation. Even when god sees them, god will also say: “OH MY GOD!”.

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The three lives

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During one of the recent CNY gatherings the subject of three lives (or “sam sai” in Cantonese) came up. Those who believe in reincarnation should be familiar with what people called three lives or “sam sai” which means your previous, present and future lives. I was told that there is a “sifu” (a medium) in Perak who is able to tell those who are interested who they were in their previous lives, what is in store for them in their present lives and what they will be in their next lives. Interesting isn’t it? Do you want to know your three lives?

First lets not go too far, let us just look at the present. You want to know how your children will treat you when you get old? First ask yourself how did you treat your parents. That will be exactly how your children is going to treat you. You want to know if you will die in peace. Ask yourself have you committed any sins that have caused people to suffer. If you have made people suffer, you will receive the same. Maybe not now but it will come.

Many people thinks that money can wash away all their sins. They are so wrong. There is a very popular story of a corrupted man who spent his ill gotten millions trying to cure a terminal disease that struck him. With all the money, he cannot fine a cure for the disease. Then he turned to charity, donated a lot of money to charity hoping for a miracle. That did not work either. He suffered during the last two years of his life and passed away a broken man. Many donated to charity hoping to redeem themselves. Well, that is not what charity is all about. Charity is not for you to exchange for a miracle or wash away your guilt.

And back to the subject of three lives … I don’t really believe this. But if it is true and there is reincarnation, you don't have to look for the "sifu" to tell you. I can also tell you about your three lives. I believe in “what goes around comes around”. So if you want to know what your previous life was, simple, just look at how your life is now. If your life now is absolutely miserable, then in your previous life you must have been a very bad person. Similarly if you want to know how your future life will be, that will depend on what you do now in your present life. If you do good now, you can expect a good life when you reincarnate. It is that simple.

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